Pilgrim Ministries

My Testimony

I was born into a Christian home, so the 10 commandments were well-known to me, and I came to understand that I was a sinner and deserving of God's wrath as a child. But I'm not sure I understood that not only did I DO bad things, but also that I had a very wicked HEART. I'm not sure I understood that the 10 commandments were much deeper and included also the thoughts and intents of the heart...Example:

1. Thou shalt have NO OTHER GODS before me. (money, sex, sports, music,
etc.)
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any GRAVEN IMAGE. (statues of Mary and
saints, pictures of Jesus, etc.)
3. Thou shalt not take the NAME of the Lord thy God IN VAIN. (taking the
title of Christian, but not living like Christ; cursing, etc.)
4. Remember the SABBATH day, to keep it HOLY. (delighting and resting in
God, too, etc.)
5. HONOR thy father and thy mother. (inward submission, not just outward)
6. Thou shalt NOT KILL.(satisfying your selfish desires to the physical or
emotional injury of others; hating others; abortion)
7. Thou shalt not commit ADULTERY (adultery in the heart and mind also)
8. Thou shalt not STEAL. (misusing God's gifts, including time and money;
plagiarism, etc.)
9. Thou shalt not bear FALSE WITNESS against thy neighbor. (lying)
10. Thou shalt not COVET. (not being content with what God has given you;
desiring what others have)

But in simple child-like faith, I think I could have sung this song:

Oh, I was very, very bad,

And I made God so mad,

And I needed a great big spanking.

But Jesus came and died,

And shed his blood for me,

And now I can jump in God's arms!

Oh, I can jump in God's arms,

And He will make me good.

I can jump in God's arms,

'Cause Jesus took my spanking for me.

When I was sorry for my bad,

Jesus turned my sad to glad,

And now I am SAFE in God's arms!

But I didn't always feel so sure that I was REALLY saved....and maybe I really wasn't until much later. Once I wrote these words:

Lord of Glory, Lord of Wrath and Justice..but also Lord of Love...Once my sins were black as night, and although I tried with all my might to experience Your peace, I had no peace BECAUSE I felt I must DO something to experience Your smile. But in YOUR TIME, You bestowed on me the GIFT OF FAITH and the ASSURANCE to KNOW that Christ bore Your wrath for my sins that I might experience Your love. By Your grace I was enabled to EXPERIENCE Your complete PEACE through these precious words of the song - "NOTHING in my hand I bring. Simply to thy cross I cling." From eternity past You had a promise for me...these words form Jer. 29:11:

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thougts of PEACE, and not of evil, to give you an EXPECTED END."(Salvation)

And because of this very special PROMISE to me, You gave me grace throughout my early years to keep on SEEKING...to keep on praying...to keep on searching for that peace that I knew only You could give. The promise is continued in verses 12-14:

"THEN shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto You. And ye shall seek me, and FIND ME,when ye shall SEARCH for me with all your heart. And I WILL BE FOUND OF YOU, saith the LORD: and I will trun away your CAPTIVITY...."

Through YOU, dear Jesus, I have an "admission ticket" to the Father. Faith in the precious blood is my ticket, and it is because of Your wonderful grace that I can "stand" before the Father saying, "NOTHING in my hand I bring. Simply to thy cross I cling" as I REJOICE and SING.

"I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for he hath clothed me with the garments of salvation, he hath covered me with the robe of righteousness..." (Is. 61:19)

Yes, I will rejoice and know that You will get the glory for my salvation..for salvation is OF THE LORD! And yes, CHRIST IN ME is my only hope!

God is slowly drawing me out of many "waters" like Ps. 18:6 says - the "waters" of earthly pleasures, passions, possessions, and position. Psalm 107 is really my testimony! I wandered around in the wilderness"of this world especially during my teen years looking for POPULARITY and happiness in academic excellence and music. Then during my early marriage I looked for happiness in THINGS and in the joys of love and attention from my dear, sweet husband. Also the joys of dressing up and taking pictures of my sweet babies and watching their accomplishments, especially in academic excellence as I "homeschooled" them, had my heart. I was certainly "botching up" the REASON FOR MY EXISTENCE since there was so much pride and selfishness in my heart... and WANTING MY OWN WAY. Unfortunately, GOD was not my ALL SATISFYING TREASURE.

And then...over several years' time, my life was touched with calamity - a baby that died, a near nervous breakdown, financial disaster, persecution, chronic illness. My "soul fainted" in me! Nothing mattered anymore except to LIVE IN THE ARMS OF JESUS and to MEDITATE IN HIS WORD day and night! He is becoming my "city of habitation", my "secret dwelling and hiding place"! He is becoming my "TREASURE CHEST OF HOLY JOY"! (Term coined by Dr. John Piper)

Yes, one of my favorite verses is:

Psalm 18:28

For thou wilt LIGHT MY CANDLE: the LORD my God will ENLIGHTEN MY DARKNESS.

Yes, He has LIT my candle! In the midst of great sickness, He has "set me on fire" and made His Word my DELIGHT! I believe it is the thing that is keeping me alive!

HOW SWEET

ALL AT ONCE IT WAS FOR ME
to be rid of those fruitless joys which I had once feared to lose!..
You drove them from me,
you who are the true,
the sovereign joy.

You drove them from me and took their place,
you who are sweeter than all pleasure...

O Lord my God, my Light, my Wealth,
and my Salvation.

Augustine
Confessions, IX, I.

To elaborate a little more on my illness and what God is teaching me through it - This illness is bringing me to a greater place of QUIETNESS and STILLNESS before God. Love, joy, peace, longsuffering, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance....Illness has been and still is God's "seed bed" for learning such things!True Christianity is a NARROW road, but a HAPPY one...It's a way of submission and self-denial...

I like Spurgeon's comments:

"...sweetened with submission....What a reason for hushing every murmuring
thought is the reflection, "because thou didst it"! It is his right to do
as he wills, and he always wills to do that which is wisest and kindest:
why should I then arraign his dealings? Nay, if it be indeed the Lord, let
him do what seemeth him good."

"Silence from all repining did not prevent the voice of prayer, which must
never cease. In all probability the Lord would grant the psalmist's
petition, for he ususally removes affliction when we are resigned to it; if
we kiss the rod, our Father always burns it. When we are still, the rod is
soon still..."

"Good pleas may be found in our weakness and distress. It is well to show
our Father the bruises which his scourge has made, for peradventrue his
fatherly pity will bind his hands, and move him to comfort us in his bosom.
It is not to consume us, but to consume our sins, that the Lord aims at in his chastisements."

Specifically, through this illness God has dealt with me concerning my "pet sins" - lack of submission and reverance to my husband, whining about how I feel, and fear.With this FM and MCS illness, which is a "sickness of the jumping symptoms", before I had an accurate diagnosis, it was especially difficult in the area of fear. Then at my sickest point so far, God finally brought me to a place where I was not afraid of death...This became my favorite song:

LOVE, COME QUICKLY

Love, come quickly, Love, my Love.

I saw the fire in your eyes.
I know I've done what You despise.
I spurned the love of Your grace,
Spit my hatred in Your face.
I sought the world for happiness,
Because I loved You not.

Love, come quickly, Love, my Love.

You reached down with Your arms of love,
And drew me to Your throne above.
You filled me with hope anew,
And washed me with a love for Youl
I seek You now for happiness,
Because You loved me first.

Love, come quickly, Love, my Love.

I see You now as through a glass,
But someday I'll see You face to face.
My heart will bask in Your peace,
Leap with joy from sin's release.
My heart will swell with thankfulness.
To this world I'll be loathe to return.

Love, come quickly, Love, my Love.

The freedom of my body from earthly pain,
Will be nothing compared to the great gain,
Of having pride flee my breast.
Of having You wash me in humbleness,
For there's nothing good in me;
To Your blood I trustingly cling!

Love, come quickly, Love, my Love.

The glory of the pearly gates is dim,

Compared to the love I feel for Him.
The best thing about the heavenly place,
Is the One Who touched me with His grace.
If I am not His lover now,
I will not His lover be then!

Love, come quickly, Love, my Love.
Love, come quickly, Love.

- S.J.C.